Monday, June 14, 2010

Forecast for the Bachelorette...

32defc55eac278bb8a4a2708b566f754.png
A million times better. Did this dude make you have to constantly swallow your stomach bile? Every time he opened his oddly miniature mouth, that looked like a Disney character, I almost threw up from embarrassment. Ladies out there, did you all have to go on real dates like this? It seems like there are many strange men out there...who "sing" as well, what the...

Let's move on to the partially deaf guy that no one is talking about. It's a little rude, but why hasn't anyone asked him why he talks like he lives with a terminal sinus infection and swollen tonsils. Let's forget about the awesome tattoo of the shield guarding his heart, that should be guarding he's ego that will surely be destroyed after this show. Also, he turns pink so quickly...like a little baby lobster who just climbed out of the pot.

8ce91d4e2cc9859f9eec4f8bd0c27114.png


I hope they do an after show where I can host and help them tap into some self awareness. Here are some quick lessons:

1. Don't sing unless you know you're good-if you don't know, ask me, not family or people in church-they lie. Even if you do sing really well, keep it a surprise; it's better if it's unexpected. Having someone serenade you is always uncomfortable, trust me I had a girl do that to me with a small child on her lap, in my car-I hurt for her.

2. Ease up on the one liners and the prolonged eye contact-staring is always rude...and again, uncomfortable.

3. Don't be a weatherman-ever. And if by some curse from the previous life you are, just try not to talk about the forecast in your personal life and other weather related jokes or your life will be stormy...with a high chance for suck.

Ladies, I turn it over to you for dating reality comments. Please tell me what some guys have said or hopefully sang to you.


16 comments:

Erica said...

I hate having these pictures on my blog of these two! They make me so angry, however this post makes me die laughing! I am glad that even though I have no girls to watch this with me my husband makes it extremely entertaining.

david + vanessa said...

i did not see the bachelorette - and oddly enough cannot find a singing clip on youtube - but would be remiss if i did not share my date/singing story.

this date took place my freshman year of college and so some of the details are fuzzy, such as why my date and i were in a car with my mom and sister, but we were and it makes it all the more awkward.

all i remember is that it was the end of the date, it was snowing outside, we were all tired as it was late and i am getting claustrophobic as date chose to sit in the middle of the backseat even though we are the only ones sitting there. i remember squishing myself against the contours of the door to avoid him.

my mom is driving, sister in front seat, car is completely silent and out of nowhere date starts singing "o holy night". quietly at first as if to test the waters. i am in disbelief at this point trying to melt into the window and hoping he'll stop. but he doesn't. in fact he just gets louder. by the time he get's to "fall on your knees" he's close to a crescendo and he's sucking all the air from the car. i can't take it anymore and tear my face off the window and glare at him waiting to notice my glare. but he's so caught up in his holiness that he's CLOSING HIS EYES. so i take my pointer finger, press in his chest until he looks at me at which point i shake my head and mouth the word "no".

after he stops abruptly my mother proceeds to feign approval - because what else can a mother do at this point - and he starts telling her about how he's self taught. oh my life. i'd like to see someone beat that story. or at least write a longer one...

Carrie said...

Oh yes....seriously he was painful to watch! For a minute in the beginning I felt bad for him but then I couldn't stand him! Thank goodness we don't hwve to watch that anymore! I totally agree with the saranading...i know I spelled that wrong.

A guy in my stake (who had been trying to get my attention ~ and to whom I had made it very clear I was not interested in...)dragged me into the primary room during a stake dance (as I'm looking at my friends with eyes begging for company and help!) and sat down at the piano ~ played and sang "Whereever you go..whatever you do ~ I will be right here waiting for you.....!" Most painful few minutes of MY LIFE! So awkward! My parents saw him later on and said he looked normal and I have a hard time believing he grew up to be a regular guy.

I actually have more...I was a magnet for frightening experiences for a few years...but I blocked some memories out. And I gotta run! Last night I was totally saying all this stuff too!

Lou said...

First things first. My extreme guilty pleasure of watching this dumb show definitely runs in the family...and I'm totally proud.

I was DYING about last night. THE SINGING?!!? How could Ally not can them right there? SO AWKWARD! I just decided, Monday nights you might be getting A LOT of texts from me. This is important stuff to discuss.

Do you guard and protect Erica's heart?

I dig Roberto.

AND the weatherman...what in the wide world of sports is he? You know I secretly loved the weather jokes.

Erin said...

i wish i could come and watch it with you! hillarious and i totally agree with all comments. singing is ALWAYS awkward, even if you are good. Such a BYU thinG!

Greggory & Kate said...

RYAN, i just died laughing in my chair. you are too hilarious. i completely agree with everything you just said. you made my day!

Brenda said...

Oh son, I could not agree with you more. I could add to awkward moments of dating; however, I am your mother and you would be sick! I love Vanessa's story. It almost sounds like she made it up. I'm with you Lou, Roberto is my man...he has that "Smart" Latino look. I'd rather your dad have an affair than sing to me. Throw up.

david + vanessa said...

brenda, i wish for the sake of my 18 year-old self i had made the story up. but it really happened. also as a side note the boy told me later that he would have "experimented more" with boys if he weren't a member of the church. so it looks like we weren't a match for a few reasons.

Lindsey and David said...

I was told on a date that my toe nails matched my complextion. Hmmm... I think he thought he was complementing me, but really? Are my toes my best asset?

Amanda said...

I wish my husband was cool enough (or not TOO cool) to watch it with me. It's not like I take any of it seriously. I mean how can you?!? The Bachelorette could totally count as FHE. It always lifts my spirits and makes me glad that I wasn't forced to date guys like Kasey. And being serenaded to is absolutely the most awkward thing anyone can go through. It's how I got asked to Senior Prom (he changed the words to Drops of Jupiter... gag) even though I told him I would never want him to sing to me. I guess at least he had a good voice?!?

Amy said...

I'm so glad there are more of you out there watching this show! I just started back after a LARGE absence. And... I'm not regretting it. I wish Mike would watch it with me. I know he would get a kick out of it. Since I've been out of the dating scene for awhile, please tell me... did it suddenly become cool to sing to someone and to make up the lyrics on the fly and sing them in the worst possible way? I'm confused. Ally should've stopped it!!! How incredibly ACKWARD! And, yes, why has no one asked why Kasey talks like he has cronic tonsilitis? I was dying laughing at the weatherman, the preview up to the song... "I finally chose the right moment" (I thought he was going to try and kiss her)... then broke out in song. Did I miss a part in the show where Ally said she liked being sang to? Oh, and then he was like "Out of all the rose ceremonies I thought this one I was for sure getting a rose" WHAT!? Oh, don't get me started on the tatoo and the guarding of hearts... too much cheese for me! Love your line "your life will be stormy... with a high chance for suck" LOL!!!! I'm liking Frank and Chris. We'll see!

Amy said...

PS I can't see the pictures :(

joven said...

hi, you have nice blog.. u can view also mine..http://akoniwares.blogspot.com

The Hardy's said...

This post cracks me up! Okay, seriously...why don't we just all watch it together? Gregg and I watch it together cuz I don't have any girls to watch it with!

Mandy and Austin said...

LOVE the bachelor/bachelorette!! Such a silly indulgence, but I look forward to Monday night. So glad I'm not alone! I can't see the pictures, but I know who you are talking about and they disgust me. They both should have been gone a long time ago!! She is up in the night getting rid of Jesse and keeping Kasey. GAG! I'm pulling for Roberto and Chris, the one from back East that lost his mom.

Brenda said...

For the record, on the first show when ALL the bachelors were introduced, I picked that Cape Code Chris would be the winner. And although I like Roberto, I still think Chis will win. Can't wait to see who had the correct guess and who Ally chooses.