Monday, August 29, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
My life is often filled with situations that make me want to shrink from existence. Most of them come from uncomfortable social situations-this one is no exception. Let me preface this post with my disdain for the need people feel to be politically correct. I understand that there often needs to exist an exception to every rule, but basic laws should remain in tact 99% of the time. For example, a person should not murder someone, but if they are being attacked and murder is necessary-there in lies the exception. Where are you going with this Ryan? Come, follow me and I will show you a law that should never, ever be broken...
About a week ago a coworker came up to me and said, "Don't make plans for lunch next Friday, and if your wife and daughter can come that would be great." I had recently received a promotion and thought they wanted to have a congratulatory lunch-I was filled with anxiety. I don't like obligatory attention and uncomfortable conversation-especially with a bunch of co-workers. Needless to say, I was not excited about this past Friday's lunch and there was no way I was inviting my family. I couldn't understand why someone couldn't just send me an e-mail saying congrats. Well Friday rolled around and when I walked into my office I saw this...
If I could describe the sheer terror that coursed through my body when I saw this rendition of a male baby shower you would have also thought you would never again know happiness. The shame that washed over me every time I walked passed this table of pink still stings me to the core. No one cared about my promotion or any other masculine achievement I have ever had for that matter. No, they decided to strip me of all decency and throw me a baby shower. It got worse. I had to open the gifts if front of everyone. I hate doing this on any occasion, but I actually plead with tear-filled eyes to just let me take them to my wife, "I would hate to ruin the surprise for her." Nope. I felt like a prisoner at Guantanamo Bay. I would have done anything to escape this. I thought a baby shower was ONE thing that couldn't be touched-it was still sacred for all women. Why me? Why now? Surely this couldn't be real life. I knew that touching these gifts would yield the same result as unworthily touching the Arch of the Covenant. However a quick death would have been easy, instead with every touch of pink tissue paper and the holding up of each tiny outfit for all to see a bit of my soul died. I will never be the same.
I can't leave you on this note. I have too much pride. The next day I was able to participate in a Sprint Triathlon in hopes to redeem what little bit of masculinity I had left. I will probably spend the next week sporadically killing innocent animals and eating their carcasses raw, or maybe get into a bar fight. I don't drink, though after what I have been through I was tempted.
I had a stranger snap this pic so I could send it to my wife in hopes she would no longer be ashamed of me. I still am.