Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Confessions of 1st time Dad

Many people ask me the question, rhetorical in their minds I'm sure, "Can you even remember what it was like before your kid(s)?" My answer is, "Yes, all the time." This usually takes them by surprise and they give me an uncomfortable smile; I just stare at them until they feel so uncomfortable they give an awkward laugh and walk away. The truth is, there aren't many things better than being a parent, but who can forget the quiet before kids? Who can forget what it was like to hop in the car without having to pack up a weeks worth of diapers and baby clothes just to go run some errands? Who can forget what it was like to eat a meal without your child (mine sounds like a bird) yelling in your ear because they want your food as well as theirs and everything else that's in their grasp. The answer is, yes I remember what it was like before kids.

Here are some other observations I have made in my short time as a Father:

1. Cheeze-Its or other cheddary crackers can and will grow from your car seats. It doesn't matter if you buy them or not--you will find them. Then you know you're a Dad when you kind of get excited that you find a whole one when you're cleaning out the car. Tasty little snacks they are.

2. Why do we smell our kids butts to make sure they pooped? Last time I checked, I didn't poop my pants, so the smell must be the kid. Save yourself one dry heave and just change it without the butt sniff.

3. Camryn loves the song The Wheels on the Bus. When she decides to scream in the car, which is often these days, I find that the only thing that calms her is this song. Since the drives are often long, there are now so many more things on the bus than just the driver, kids and wipers. On my bus there are now elephants, cows, pigs, ducks, mom, dad, grandma, spoons, food, etc. The 102nd verse is usually goes like this (to the tune of course), "How many verses can I sing, can I sing, can I sing? How many verses can I sing? All through the town (I keep the last line consistent, no need to confuse the children) The 110th verse is, "Daddy's going to shoot himself in the face, in the face, in the face, Daddy's going to shoot himself in the face....All through the town. I hate that song.

4. Kids love books, and I used to love to read them, but my patience is wearing thin. I have now memorized every book she has, and I want them all to get damaged in an "accidental" fire. I also get stressed out when she wants to turn the pages faster than I can read. I've had to learn to just let her, and let her throw the book and go get 10 more.

Those are my observations thus far. There will be more I'm sure. There will probably be a whole chapter on Church, but it might be blasphemous, so I'll skip that for now.

I also aspire to be like Phil from Modern Family. He is my hero and the Dad I hope to become. I love this man.



14 comments:

Amy said...

HAHAHA You hit the nail right on the head. We've all but stopped going to restaurants (Burger King doesn't count) because of our kids! And the books... wait till she gets old enough for longer books that she wants read over and over... take Green Eggs and Ham for example. Yes, I too remember life without kids. But sure glad I have them in my life right now.

lauren ann said...

Will you just write a book called "thoughts of THE ryan smart" so I can read it whenever I want a good laugh. YOU KILL ME. And I really hope you do post your church chapter- we babysat this sunday and I about just walked out on numerous occasions- kiddos just were made to sit still and quite for 1 hour straight and parents shouldn't have to try to keep the peace. Also, LOVE Phil- he is by far our favorite. That show is priceless (another reason to move to SL so we could watch the Bachelor AND mf together).

Brittany Simmons said...

amen. we can all remember and daydream about the days without kids, diapers, throwup, baths, messy cars, messy house, cartoons, etc.... so funny. keep em coming - but they are sure great to have around and great entertainment and great reasons to get out of akward situations! p.s. phil is AWESOME but i lost a little bit of admiration when he said he was a male cheerleader....a bit creepy....

Julie and Kyle said...

i remember life before kids. its my happy place.

Susan Whittenburg said...

Hey Ry, Aunt Suz here. I am such a blogstalker, but never leave a comment. I could not NOT leave a comment tonight. I just love it when you make me belly laugh out loud. Which is everytime I read your posts. So just know that even though I don't leave comments, I am keeping up with your wonderful life and loving every minute of it. My love to you, Erica and adorable Camryn

Nate said...

hahahahaha k the turning the pages one is by far my favorite one because i can just see your face as you get all worked up about her turning the pages before you've even read. and she's probably just happy as can be turning the pages while you make stuff up. this is nish not nate by the way

Brenda said...

You need to write a book. I would buy it.

david + vanessa said...

And to think, we thought your only 'funny' material was about "how fat omgomgomgomg you are"!

David.

KelliJamison said...

I was just talking to my friend last night about how cool it would be to have Phil as a dad, he is by far the coolest one out there (sounds like you are a close second:). Camryn is so lucky!

Jenny J said...

i can see erica shaking her head as she's reading your post and you giving your "what?" look....

do you guys have to move?!

Karen M. said...

We are in the status of remembering what it was like to have kids at home and lots of activity that no longer exists-opposite problem! So, the other day my student is reading Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day for pratice with his R and struggled with reading "coconut sprinkles". I naturally could correct him from across the room because there are some books you don't forget no matter what! I think it forces you to choose good children's books because you know you will have to read them a million times plus those words never leave your brain.

Tolly+L+L said...

Phil is our hero, too. And don't even get me started on church because I am tempted to spend my Sundays at home where my children can be contained until they're old enough to sit in a chair for longer than one minute. Heaven help me.

Sally said...

Hahaha...Phil is a great hero. Of course I remember those good ole days but somehow I just keep getting knocked up. Love those impossible kiddos...

Erin said...

james fav person is phil too. i laughed so hard reading this cause i totally understand it all, and i know james feels exactly the same way! seriously hillarious