Confessions of 1st time Dad

Many people ask me the question, rhetorical in their minds I'm sure, "Can you even remember what it was like before your kid(s)?" My answer is, "Yes, all the time." This usually takes them by surprise and they give me an uncomfortable smile; I just stare at them until they feel so uncomfortable they give an awkward laugh and walk away. The truth is, there aren't many things better than being a parent, but who can forget the quiet before kids? Who can forget what it was like to hop in the car without having to pack up a weeks worth of diapers and baby clothes just to go run some errands? Who can forget what it was like to eat a meal without your child (mine sounds like a bird) yelling in your ear because they want your food as well as theirs and everything else that's in their grasp. The answer is, yes I remember what it was like before kids.

Here are some other observations I have made in my short time as a Father:

1. Cheeze-Its or other cheddary crackers can and will grow from your car seats. It doesn't matter if you buy them or not--you will find them. Then you know you're a Dad when you kind of get excited that you find a whole one when you're cleaning out the car. Tasty little snacks they are.

2. Why do we smell our kids butts to make sure they pooped? Last time I checked, I didn't poop my pants, so the smell must be the kid. Save yourself one dry heave and just change it without the butt sniff.

3. Camryn loves the song The Wheels on the Bus. When she decides to scream in the car, which is often these days, I find that the only thing that calms her is this song. Since the drives are often long, there are now so many more things on the bus than just the driver, kids and wipers. On my bus there are now elephants, cows, pigs, ducks, mom, dad, grandma, spoons, food, etc. The 102nd verse is usually goes like this (to the tune of course), "How many verses can I sing, can I sing, can I sing? How many verses can I sing? All through the town (I keep the last line consistent, no need to confuse the children) The 110th verse is, "Daddy's going to shoot himself in the face, in the face, in the face, Daddy's going to shoot himself in the face....All through the town. I hate that song.

4. Kids love books, and I used to love to read them, but my patience is wearing thin. I have now memorized every book she has, and I want them all to get damaged in an "accidental" fire. I also get stressed out when she wants to turn the pages faster than I can read. I've had to learn to just let her, and let her throw the book and go get 10 more.

Those are my observations thus far. There will be more I'm sure. There will probably be a whole chapter on Church, but it might be blasphemous, so I'll skip that for now.

I also aspire to be like Phil from Modern Family. He is my hero and the Dad I hope to become. I love this man.