Sunday, August 7, 2011

A New Low.

It's Ryan.

My life is often filled with situations that make me want to shrink from existence. Most of them come from uncomfortable social situations-this one is no exception. Let me preface this post with my disdain for the need people feel to be politically correct. I understand that there often needs to exist an exception to every rule, but basic laws should remain in tact 99% of the time. For example, a person should not murder someone, but if they are being attacked and murder is necessary-there in lies the exception. Where are you going with this Ryan? Come, follow me and I will show you a law that should never, ever be broken...

About a week ago a coworker came up to me and said, "Don't make plans for lunch next Friday, and if your wife and daughter can come that would be great." I had recently received a promotion and thought they wanted to have a congratulatory lunch-I was filled with anxiety. I don't like obligatory attention and uncomfortable conversation-especially with a bunch of co-workers. Needless to say, I was not excited about this past Friday's lunch and there was no way I was inviting my family. I couldn't understand why someone couldn't just send me an e-mail saying congrats. Well Friday rolled around and when I walked into my office I saw this...

If I could describe the sheer terror that coursed through my body when I saw this rendition of a male baby shower you would have also thought you would never again know happiness. The shame that washed over me every time I walked passed this table of pink still stings me to the core. No one cared about my promotion or any other masculine achievement I have ever had for that matter. No, they decided to strip me of all decency and throw me a baby shower. It got worse. I had to open the gifts if front of everyone. I hate doing this on any occasion, but I actually plead with tear-filled eyes to just let me take them to my wife, "I would hate to ruin the surprise for her." Nope. I felt like a prisoner at Guantanamo Bay. I would have done anything to escape this. I thought a baby shower was ONE thing that couldn't be touched-it was still sacred for all women. Why me? Why now? Surely this couldn't be real life. I knew that touching these gifts would yield the same result as unworthily touching the Arch of the Covenant. However a quick death would have been easy, instead with every touch of pink tissue paper and the holding up of each tiny outfit for all to see a bit of my soul died. I will never be the same.

I can't leave you on this note. I have too much pride. The next day I was able to participate in a Sprint Triathlon in hopes to redeem what little bit of masculinity I had left. I will probably spend the next week sporadically killing innocent animals and eating their carcasses raw, or maybe get into a bar fight. I don't drink, though after what I have been through I was tempted.

I had a stranger snap this pic so I could send it to my wife in hopes she would no longer be ashamed of me. I still am.


4 comments:

v a n e s s a said...

you didn't have to go through all that just to post a shirtless pic on your blog. - david

Brenda said...

Thank you....nothing better than a great laugh first thing in the morning.

Kirby said...

Hey its free presents, and I'm not buying that you don't like being the center of attention...:) Wow, you are becoming quite the triathlon whore, well done!

MediocreMama said...

I'm hoping for a bar fight post soon.